The following is my observations of the typical bully and those they bully.  There are exceptions of course.

Bullying seems to be getting way out of hand.  I don’t remember it being so bad when I was growing up.  Then again, I was one of those kids who seemed to fade into the woodwork.  Anyway, my personal experience with bullying is limited, but my observations of it are not.  I taught, and worked with middle school students for years, and I saw first hand both bullies and those they bullied.  Those observations led me to several conclusions about the motivation to bully, the effect of bullying, and more importantly, a way of limiting the bullies effectiveness.

First off, let me explain that I am a very analytical person.  I try to make a judgment only after careful consideration.  That being said, here are some of my conclusions, and observations:

Observation:  Bullies behave the way they do because they “get” something in return.  What they get is a sense of power.  It makes them feel strong, tough, and better than the person they are bullying.

Conclusion:  The bully is not really tough, powerful, or strong.  If they were, they wouldn’t have to “use” others to make them feel that way.  Instead, the bully is weak, insecure, and constantly trying to prove something.  A truly powerful person wouldn’t need to be a bully.

Observation:  Bullies pick on people who give them (the bullies) what they want.  This does not mean that the bullied are at fault, just that their reaction encourages the bully to continue the harassment.

Conclusion:  A bully is desperate for someone to make them feel good (strong) about themselves.  Therefore, the bigger their target’s reaction, the more gratification they feel.

Observation:  Being a bully is usually a learned behavior.  The bully has been made to feel week, inferior, or powerless by someone in their lives.  In order to combat that feeling, they try to turn the table on someone else.

Conclusion:  Bullies are really pretty sad figures.  They do not have the internal confidence to feel good about themselves.  Instead, they have to depend on others’ reactions.

That last statement may be the most important I make in this blog.  The bully isn’t looking for a fight, instead, he or she is counting on making someone feel bad, angry, or hurt, and this is gratifying to the bully.  The more the bullied is hurt, the better the bully feels.  They aren’t trying to get into a fight, they just want to feel in control of someone else’s feelings.

One of the things I did in my classroom is role play being bullied.  I picked the toughest kid in my class, and had him or her purposely say something ugly about me.  My first reactions was to appear angry and hurt.  I even grabbed the kids and pretended to push him or her.  We then discussed my reaction and their consequences (I could get fired for “hurting” a student.)  We talked about what the “bully” was trying to get me to do, and how my actions encouraged even more bullying.  Then, I had the student say the same ugly thing to me.  This time, I took control.  I either ignored the comment, or turned it into something positive for me.

I did another thing in my class room when I saw a bully trying to pick on a student.  I gave the bully attention that he didn’t want by letting him know that I understood his feelings of insecurity and his need to compensate for that.  I showed him pity and that’s the last thing a bully wants.  It undermines the entire purpose of bullying.

Finally, I wish that all bullies could be made to understand that being a bully is a sign of weakness, not strength.  And, even more important, that those that are bullied would realize that the bully is a sad pathetic person who can’t feel good about themselves unless they hurt others.  That’s a pretty sad way to live.

One final note.  There was a middle school that had a lot of their students anonymously list the bullies they encountered.  The  names that showed up the most, were made public to the students.   The mother of one of the kids listed as a bully was upset that her child was being “victimized” by the list.  Not once did she mention concern about her child being on the list in the first place!
What do you think?