Pam Blizzard’s Blog

One of the most important technological advancements in the last century has been the flushing toilet.  If you doubt this, you have obviously never used an outhouse!  Only once have I had to use a “public” outhouse and let me tell you, it wasn’t pleasant.  I walked into a small, rickety wooden building.  Inside was a long bench with two, that’s right two, holes cut in the top of it; in other words, a two person toilet thus, a public outhouse.  I didn’t want to look down into either of those holes, but hey, I was only a kid and couldn’t help myself.  Fortunately, all I saw was a deep black hole.  I sat down over one of those holes and peed, the entire time terrified that something was going to come up that hole and “get me!”  Public restrooms have definitely gotten better than that but there’s still traumatic experiences to be had.

First off, why are most public restrooms made up of metal stalls.  If you’ve ever been in a metal stall when thunder strikes, you know what I’m talking about.  You’re sitting there, with you butt exposed, trying to hurry up, and a burst of thunder explodes  shaking the metals walls around you.  Metal walls shaking makes a lot of noise and your first instinct is to “GET OUT!”  Hopefully, you resisted that urge otherwise we would have potentially seen you on AFV (think camera phone.)  Then, there is the size of the metal walls.  Why, seriously, can’t the walls be floor to ceiling?  The only person I can think of who wouldn’t want floor to ceiling walls in a bathroom stall is a public official looking for sex.

Now, let’s talk about other sounds frequently heard in public restrooms.  Sounds that no one wants to make or wants to hear.  Face it people, there are times when, in the process of going to the bathroom, we make noises.  These are perfectly normal noises, but for us, they have become fodder for humor.  It even has a name, potty humor.  This has forced us to try to avoid the public restroom if at all possible, and if not, search the room prior to sitting down in the hopes that no one else is present.  If you are unfortunate, and there are other poor souls there with you, you have only a few choices.  You either say “what the hell” and broadcast for all the hear,  try to sit it out until the other person leaves, or of course, do the tried and true and time a flush to coincide with the explosive burst coming from your butt.  Unfortunately even that has become a social problem resulting in guilt for wasting water.

Speaking of water and other wet things, think about this.  Have you ever walked into a public restroom and the floor is wet?  Need I say more?  Or even worse, you really have to go and you run into a stall, pull down your pants, and frantically sit down onto a wet toilet seat?  Your first response may be to look to the ceiling, hoping for a leak.  If there’s not one, and there’s usually not, what do you do?  You’re already sitting, bare assed, in something better left unnamed.  Do you try to ignore it and just finish what you so desperately needed to do?  Do you jump up, try to wipe yourself off and then move on to another stall,  (By the way, if this is your method, you may find that the feeling of being wet expands exponentially!  You can never be sure you got it all.) Or, are you repulsed so much that the need to go simply disappears and you’ve gone through this trauma for nothing!  Speaking of trauma, have you ever involuntary walked into a malfunctioning public restroom.  It’s one thing to look at your own shit, quite another to look at some strangers.  I can only remember one time when I was the apparent cause of a malfunction.  I, again, was only a child, and had just flushed after a satisfying “number 2″ when I noticed that the water in the toilet bowl was coming up, not going down.  Actually, it was coming WAY up, and right out of the toilet.  I felt like a criminal, and quickly and quietly left even going so far as to convince my mom that we needed to leave the store.  By the way, that store is no longer in business.  Hopefully, I wasn’t the cause.

There are even issues with public restrooms that have nothing to do with their construction.  Yes, I’m talking about the bathroom squatters.  You know who I mean.  The women, and I’m only guessing that this applies to men to, who come into the bathroom, to use it as a social gathering place.  Why?  Seriously, Why would you want to socialize in a public restroom?  Oh, it’s fine if you need to freshen up, that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about those women or men, who go to the bathroom just to talk in private.  Well, it’s not private, ie. “public” restroom.  These women/men may even cause bodily harm to the patrons who actually need to “use” the bathroom.  I’m of course referring back to the NOISE issue.  Picture this, you’ve really got to go, you’ve checked the bathroom and found it empty, you’ve pulled down your pants, sat down, and are about to let loose, when in walks a couple of girls talking about the dates they’ve left sitting outside (or any other inane thing that girls find to talk about.)  These girls don’t care about you!  They don’t care that you may be suffering.  No, they’re selfish bitches, only concerned with themselves.   You have again, only two choices, you let loose and wait for the laughter, or you try to hold it until they leave, which by the way could seem endless.  If you do choose to hold it then you’re setting yourself up for any number of problems.  The least of which might be constipation, followed by hemorrhoids.

Restrooms are important.  Public restrooms allow us to go far beyond our homes without fear.  Let’s remember this and strive to do the right thing!  Build them bigger, better, and SOUND proof.  Use them only for their given intent.  And finally, if you’re going to write on the walls, write something we’ll enjoy reading.

NOTE:  Got your own public restroom horror story?  Need to vent about a bathroom malfunction?  Want to add your own “Potty” humor?  You can add it here as a comment.